I always write. Something, anything even if it’s comments online about articles. My true passion is screenwriting. So why not read a spec script I wrote? If anything just to keep you entertained. If you want to read the rest of this script let me know in the comments….

FAMILY GUY
“The Chicken or the Egg”
Written by
Vonti

ACT ONE
EXT./ESTAB. GRIFFINS’ HOUSE – DAY
INT. PETER AND LOIS’ BATHROOM – SAME
A plastic yellow rubber ducky pops up to the surface of a tub
full of bubbles. STEWIE GRIFFIN floats to the top of the
frothy bath as the bathroom door is kicked open.
PETER GRIFFIN’S hair is crazed and dressed in a multi-colored
bathrobe with Easter Egg shaped slippers on.
STEWIE
Your fashion sense is very becoming
father. Blends in well to this high
end decor.
PETER
Yeah well talk to your mom! She said
to cover my dingle berries before I
enter my own damn bathroom!
Stewie looks on in terror as Peter strips down naked and
shuffles over to the toilet.
PETER (CONT’D)
Thanks kid. I’m glad you said
something. My thought was, for what
Lois?! He’s seen plenty of penises
before!
The rubber ducky is abandoned in the tub as Stewie’s naked
rear-end leaves a puddle of water behind.
INT. LOIS AND PETER’S BEDROOM – DAY
LOIS GRIFFIN pulls from the closet a small tailored suit
wrapped in plastic. Stewie darts past and she scoops him up
before he escapes.
LOIS
Oh baby, my little munchkin! All done?
Ready to get dressed?!
FAMILY GUY “THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?” 1.
STEWIE
Unhand me woman! I need to find a gun
or some kind of weapon to put that
animal out of it’s misery!!
Peter opens the bathroom door and yells.
PETER
Toss me that white T-shirt Lois off
the back of the chair! We are out of
toilet paper in here.
He slams the door shut. Stewie struggles in her arms.
STEWIE
Mom, mommy, mother, mummy, please
release me. For the love of Easter let
me GO!
LOIS
(screams)
PETER! I told you to let him finish
his bath before you went in there
screwing it up. He’s soaked to the
bone and shivering.
She pulls a towel off the bed and manhandles Stewie.
INT. GRIFFIN’S KITCHEN – DAY
Lois pulls a tray out of the oven and sets a steaming pile of
burnt food on the kitchen counter. Stewie’s eye twitches.
PULL OUT to reveal Stewie dressed in an AMISH inspired black
and white suit with a brimmed hat to match.
FAMILY GUY “THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?” 2.
LOIS
There is absolutely nothing like
Shepherd’s Pie for Easter breakfast!
You ready for momma to feed you baby?
STEWIE
It is tragic! Tragic I tell you!
ANGLE ON the steaming lump of brown goo.
LOIS
Aww it tastes better than it looks
sweetie.
Peter stumbles into the kitchen disheveled in his Easter
inspired bathrobe and slippers.
STEWIE
Not your food mother. For the love of
Monty Python my eyes are still
burning!
PETER
Hey Lois, I had to make due with your
bathrobe. Never say I didn’t ask for
your help.
LOIS
Glad to be of service. Just throw it
away Peter.
PETER
Aww sweets you are always helpful.
CUTAWAY:
INT. GROCERY STORE – DAY (FLASHBACK)
Peter’s shopping cart is filled to the brim with Booze. Lois
drags over an extra large bag of toilet paper rolls.
FAMILY GUY “THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?” 3.
LOIS
Can you grab this for me Peter? We are
out of tissue at the house.
PETER
Give me a second Lois.
She scans for a spot in the overflowing shopping cart while
Peter scans the weekly circular.
PETER (CONT’D)
Help me honey bun because I’m blind
without those spectacle eye frame
thingy. Does that say 2 for 1 on those
bottleneck beers babe? We got to stock
up!
He sprints away with the shopping cart.
FLASHBACK END.
INT. GRIFFIN’S KITCHEN – DAY
Peter bends over into the fridge and grabs a beer. He gives a
panoramic view of his naked backside.
Stewie leaps down from the stool and breaks for the door.
STEWIE
So much hair mother! In places I’ve
never seen before. How can a man not
landscape himself in the 21st
century??
Stewie runs into the family dog BRIAN.
FAMILY GUY “THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?” 4.
BRIAN
Eww it smells like death warmed over
in the back of the house. Did you crap
your pants again kid?
Lois drags Stewie back onto the stool and plops down a plate
of the brown goo.
LOIS
Don’t mess up your outfit sweetie. I
need to take pics to capture the
moment. Doesn’t he look so cute
Peter?!
PETER
My little swimmers couldn’t have made
a better version if they tried!
Lois spins around with two plate in hand and Brian grimaces.
EXT. CITY PARK – DAY
A crowd of teenage BOYS and GIRLS are spread throughout the
city park setting up “Easter Egg Hunt” signs and colorful
streamers.
MEG GRIFFIN sits on a rock away from the crowd scribbling
away in her diary.
MEG (V.O.)
Sunday, Easter Sunday, sometime in
April, I guess. Dear Diary, yet again
I must endure this yearly witch hunt.
Last year more eggs were thrown at me
than what was found in the entire
park. But I kindly scooped them all up
and made a nice salad. #Winning!
FAMILY GUY “THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?” 5.
One of the teenage BOYS fast pitches a hardboiled egg and
smacks Meg in the shoulder.
MEG (CONT’D)
Hey! Screw you Bobby!! I no longer
want sex from you!
NEIL GOLDMAN steps from the shadows dressed in a off white
bunny suit.
NEIL (V.O.)
I love you Meg. Just one kiss. You
almost did it last time when I ruffied
your drink, remember??
Further in the shadows an outline of ERNIE THE CHICKEN is
revealed.
INT. – GRIFFIN’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Stewie is seated in front of the TV with a grin on his face
from ear to ear. Another rerun of the reality show Cops plays
on the TV.
STEWIE
No sir I swear that’s not a crack
vial. It’s my mummies perfume sample
from Sephora. That’s right punch him
in the gut officer! Oh you trying to
run annndddd pulls taser!
Peter struts into the room with an outfit identical to
Stewie’s.
FAMILY GUY “THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?” 6.
PETER
I told Lois this was a great idea.
They are going to think I’m from the
church of latter day saints and he is
my sidekick. My mom never let me dress
this well on Easter!
CUTAWAY:
INT. – PETER GRIFFIN’S CHILDHOOD HOME – NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
A door slams in the distance.
ANGLE ON hairy legs in high heels and a frilly skirt
descending a spiral staircase.
PETER
How could you mother?
WIDE SHOT of Peter Griffin dressed in a yellow gown with a
bonnet hat to match.
PETER (CONT’D)
Geesh my feet are killing me!
FLASHBACK END.
INT. – GRIFFIN’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Peter slams back a beer and burps.
STEWIE
The suit looks and will smell better
on me father.
Brian plops down an oversized wooden basket at Stewie’s feet.
BRIAN
Actually you both look alot like
Mormons ready for a skit on Broadway.
Just add a backpack and lose the hat.
FAMILY GUY “THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?” 7.
Stewie glares for a beat then changes the TV channel.
STEWIE
You will NOT beat me again on the egg
hunt Brian. I don’t give a damn how
big your basket is!
Brian doubles over in pain.
BRIAN
For the love of everything holy on
Easter! Do we have toilet paper??
STEWIE
(sings)
Too much Shepherd’s Pie Brian?
Brian sprints out with his dog paws over his butt.
PETER
(yells)
Use that bathrobe I left on the floor!
It works wonders.
Stewie dry heaves.
STEWIE
Never reach out and shake my hand
again you disgusting foul beast of a
man! I rebuke you Satan on THIS Easter
Sunday.
PETER
Look kid when you got to go, you got
to go.
FAMILY GUY “THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?” 8.
(MORE)
That’s what I told Lois when she was
pregnant with you but she didn’t
listen.
CUTAWAY:
EXT. – HEALTH CLINIC – DAY (FLASHBACK)
Peter has a curly Afro, no glasses and a v-neck shirt on
exposing a hairy chest. Lois is dressed in platform heels and
a leopard print cat-suit.
LOIS
So what’s the 4-1-1 Daddy? What you
got planned for our date? I hope we
are in these costumes with somewhere
to go.
PETER
Oh slow your roll and take another
swig on this punch babe. Everything is
just groovy Lois.
The pair head into the clinic.
MOMENTS LATER
Lois emerges with Peter on a leather leash like a dog.
LOIS
It won’t be that easy to get rid of
me.
FLASHBACK END.
INT. – GRIFFIN’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Lois appears in a “Gone with the Wind” pastel colored gown
with the frilly umbrella to match.
FAMILY GUY “THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?” 9.
PETER (CONT’D)
LOIS
Oh Peter stop with your lies! Are my
boys ready to knock their socks off at
the park? The tupper-ware is stocked
with my pie but we only got an hour
before it curdles. So let’s go!!
Stewie falls off the couch and bangs his head on the floor.
EXT. CITY PARK – DAY
Meg retrieves a wicker basket from behind a rock. She tosses
another boiled egg into a growing pile.
MEG
Keep them coming boys! I got all
afternoon. OH GOD YOU SCARED ME!
Neil is down on bent knee and his fake whiskers twitch.
NEIL
I’m so sorry. Uh my shoelaces came
undone.
He pretends to tie a complicated knot.
MEG
(sighs)
What the hell do you have on? Oh wow
let me help you because that’s not how
you do an anchor bend. Why don’t you
just try a slipknot instead of— Is
that a baby? I LOVE BABIES!!!
Meg sprints off toward a WOMAN carrying a pink taffeta
blanket.
WOMAN
May I help you?
FAMILY GUY “THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?” 10.
MEG
Let me see. Let me see it!
She dances from side to side and pulls on the blanket.
WOMAN
It’s just a bottle of wine and a
blanket to lay on. We are allowed to
drink in the park OK
The Woman stalks off and leaves Meg in a swoon.
MEG
Oh come on! I just wanted to rub all
over the baby. Sniff their hair and
kiss the little itty bitty toes! Don’t
you have one in the car??
She sprints after the Woman.
INT. GRIFFIN’S CAR – DAY
Peter drives and Lois is in the passenger seat. Her frilly
dress consumes most of the front dashboard.
Brian and Stewie are in a heated debate in the back.
BRIAN
The Walking Dead is the best show on
TV hands down! OK; I retract that
statement because it comes a close
second to that crazy cartoon about
that family and some guy.
STEWIE
How dare you?
FAMILY GUY “THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?” 11.
BRIAN
I dare! Cops isn’t even a live action
show. I could have written the pilot
if they asked.
STEWIE
You imbecile! The Walking Dead with
“Dick”? I mean is he ever going to
take Lisa back after she screwed his
best friend and got pregnant. And
where exactly are they walking to
anyway? How can a sheriff lead so many
and know so little??
BRIAN
His name is Rick and that slut you are
talking about is Lori. She had to do
what she had to do during the Zombie
apocalypse.
STEWIE
(sings)
Dick, Rick, stick, lick, hick who
cares!
Stewie and Brian face off.
BRIAN
Meanwhile Cops keeps arresting the
same crackheads doing the same thing.
That’s great TV?? It’s over a decade
old.
FAMILY GUY “THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?” 12.
STEWIE
My point exactly! How long has your
walking of the living dead been on?
Give props where it’s due brotha!
Lois interjects struggling to shift around in her dress.
LOIS
BOYS! Quiet down! You are making Peter
drive in circles! We still haven’t
even left the neighborhood!
The car jerks to a halt and EVERYONE looks out the window in
stunned silence at the Griffin home.
PETER
Honey my stomach hurts. I actually
came back to use the bathroom again.
Stewie struggles with his seat-belt.
STEWIE
Well we can end this debate once and
for all! Father is full of it and
another episode of Cops is on!
EXT. CITY PARK – DAY
CHRIS GRIFFIN is lathered up in chalky white sunscreen and
decorated like an Easter Egg.
Meg bumps into his belly.
MEG
You look and feel like a cream filled
egg. Just enough to feed the needy
greedy.
FAMILY GUY “THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?” 13.
CHRIS
Really? Mom spent all night working on
this outfit. You know I wouldn’t mind
it so much but I itch everywhere!
He gestures toward his groin.
MEG
Eww T-M-I just T-M-I!
CHRIS
What’s that? Does it taste good??
MEG
Oh never mind. Did you see a woman go
past with a pink blanket?
CHRIS
Yeah she was rambling about calling
the cops on some psycho kid loose in
the park. Why?
Meg looks around and scratches her arms like she is going
through a drug withdrawal.
MEG
No worries. Let me know when Mom and
Dad get— THEY ARE HERE!!!
She sprints toward a yellow school bus filled with TODDLERS.
CHRIS
The food trucks are here?? Wait hold
on sis I’m coming too!
Chris waddles behind Meg. In the distance Ernie collapses
behind the tree.
FAMILY GUY “THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?” 14.
ERNIE (V.O.)
Fat bastard. Just like his dad. Well
wait until they get a load of me.
He puts on a black bandana and pulls out an Easter basket
filled with multi-colored plastic eggs.
FADE OUT.
END ACT I
ACT II
FADE IN:
INT. – LIVING ROOM – DAY
Stewie and Brian glare with arms crossed on the couch.
BRIAN
Like I said before. More crack heads
in that episode then ever before. That
last guy was on there two weeks ago.
He had a vial in his anus!
STEWIE
(grins)
The cops had to go dumpster diving on
that one!
BRIAN
You disgust me.
STEWIE
And so does your face. But how about
we watch The Walking Dead and debate
on —
Brian glares and flips through the TV.
FAMILY GUY “THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?” 15.
STEWIE (CONT’D)
— Oh sorry it’s not in off network
syndication or on numerous channels
like Cops! You can only watch yours on
Sunday night right?
BRIAN
At least I’ve never been arrested!
CUTAWAY:
EXT. – BUS STATION – NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
A large black Helicopter hovers then puts a spotlight on
Stewie. He is seated in a wheelchair with clown make-up on
and a cup in hand.
POLICE OFFICERS swarm in with guns drawn.
POLICE OFFICER # 1
Get down on the ground now!!
STEWIE
What kind of vile heathens are you?
Should I just propel myself from this
chair that brings me sanctuary?
POLICE OFFICER # 2
You have a right to remain silent…
STEWIE
I will not go quietly into the night
demons!
Stewie leaps from the chair and runs off into the darkness
with the helicopter and police in pursuit.
FLASHBACK END.
FAMILY GUY “THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?” 16.
INT. – GRIFFIN’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Stewie is seated on the floor with his hands covering his
face. Tears stream through his fingers.
STEWIE
(grins)
I made so much money on that scheme!
Freaking spent it all bailing myself
out. Damn children’s hospital turned
me in.
BRIAN
Yeah it’s kind of hard to explain
blowing up balloons with your farts
when you are supposed to be paralyzed
from the waist down.
STEWIE
Those idiots! I could have given them
a cut damn it.
LOIS (O.C.)
Boys come in here and help me pack up
the car.
INT. – GRIFFIN’S HOUSE – VARIOUS LOCATIONS
Lois empties the Tupper-ware contents into the trash and
wrinkles her nose.
LOIS
That batch curdled.
Stewie and Brian pause at the door.
STEWIE
I will pass on eating for the rest of
my life mother. Thank you.
FAMILY GUY “THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?” 17.
LOIS
Oh don’t you worry my Stewie there is
more than enough pie left. No need to
starve. PETER! Hurry up already.
Peter enters the room adjusting his vest.
PETER
Lois you know I can’t take a dump
fully dressed.
STEWIE
Madness!
In slow motion Lois spins around in her frilly dress with an
armful of Tupper-ware.
LOIS
(smiles)
Lunch is served.
BRIAN
Madame I have called the Center for
Disease Control aka the CDC aka you
are poisoning us and they are on their
way to assess the damage from your
pie.
Stewie leans over and whispers.
STEWIE
What about child services? I’ve been
trying for years to make a break for
it.
FAMILY GUY “THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?” 18.
BRIAN
Just call the Cops. Oh sorry their
number is unlisted.
STEWIE
Dialing 9-1-1 now.
Lois snatches the house phone from Stewie. Peter lumbers up
next to Stewie and mimics his mannerisms.
STEWIE (CONT’D)
Father, what are you doing?
PETER
Oh nothing.
Stewie shuffles left then right. Peter follows suit.
STEWIE
Why are you following me?
PETER
Because I’m a mime. We are a team
right?
BRIAN
Oh YES! Hold that pose while I get my
camera.
Peter continues to mimic Stewie.
STEWIE
You idiot! Mimes wear stripes. I will
be in the car.
Stewie marches out and Lois follows. Brian rushes in to film.
BRIAN
Peter you couldn’t hold him for just
one more minute?
FAMILY GUY “THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?” 19.
A wave of funk hits Brian and his eyes water. He covers his
mouth in horror.
BRIAN (CONT’D)
Oh for the love of everything holy,
what did you do?!
PETER
I don’t know but it’s headed this way!
A Green Fog drifts into the room like a plague. Brian and
Peter run for it.
EXT. CITY PARK – DAY
The park is filled with Toddlers in an array of Easter
outfits. Meg is among them like a kid in a candy store.
MEG
Yes, exactly! Just go and tell your
parents you are coming home with me.
No, no I will bring you back. Scout’s
honor.
Chris walks up with his face covered in chocolate.
CHRIS
They are here.
MEG
(smiles)
Yes, yes they are.
CHRIS
I hope Mom brought us lunch.
MEG
Wait what? Darn! I almost had them all
to myself!!
Meg plops down onto a nearby rock defeated.
FAMILY GUY “THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?” 20.
CHRIS
Who?
MEG
Just leave me be.
The Toddlers are like baby chickens gathered around Meg.
CHRIS
What’s your issue?
MEG
Sorry kids. They won’t let me abduct
you uhhh I mean take you home with me.
TODDLERS (IN UNISON)
Awww man.
Chris licks chocolate off of his hands and waves them away.
CHRIS
Run along now and report her.
The Toddlers disperse.
INT./EXT. – GRIFFIN’S CAR – DAY
Lois struggles to get her dress out of the car. Peter
addresses Brian and Stewie in the back.
PETER
Now stay close to me. Just like before
we will wait until the end to strike.
BRIAN
Your “strike” last year was to steal
from those little kids. I don’t think
that strategy will work again.
The Toddlers are lined up outside of the car with sticks and
rocks in hand.

image source: hulu.com